I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
