You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
