So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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