It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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