Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
