No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
