a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
