i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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