Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
