I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
