Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
