that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
