i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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