there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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