i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
