I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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