I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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