I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
