I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
