Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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