Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
