I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
