I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
