i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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