I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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