she looked like the before picture.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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