I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
