Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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