how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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