i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
