you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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