"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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