Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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