Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
