I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
