I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
