he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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