Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
