No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
