the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize