Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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