Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
