I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
