I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
