Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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