I met the friendliest cop last night
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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