and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
