If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
