I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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