ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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