Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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