You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
