So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just had sex bonerless
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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