At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
