You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
True strength comes from lack of pants
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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