I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
