god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
