Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
