I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
