i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
