my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
