Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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