I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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