On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
we're so committed to being not committed
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