I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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