Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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