the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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