babies were throwing up all over the place
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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