Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Green mimosas i think yes
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
