Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
