Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
