Heybabeimwearingurpanties
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
