She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
