I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
