Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
