Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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