five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize