'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
