Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
