I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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