My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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